


if time were to stop, or just stop being strange

by writevale



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: A Spy in the Desert Spoilers, Established Relationship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Opportunistic Sex, Semi-Public Sex, The Scientific Process, These two can't catch a break, Trans Carlos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:14:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27762082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writevale/pseuds/writevale
Summary: Before he met Carlos, he hadn't known it was possible to love another person so much. Now, he looked out into the star-speckled void before closing the curtains in his son's room and he was beginning to suspect that a bit of that void lived inside himself too. An endless and consuming space from which poured a limitless tide of love for his little family.But then he would kiss Esteban good night and sit on the couch and, maybe Carlos would be home, maybe he'd be at work, or Cecil would have cover a late shift at the station, or they'd sit on the chairs on the porch and try not to fall asleep before dinner, and he'd have to admit (even just in a hoarse whisper to the Secret Police microphone inside the showerhead) that it wasexhausting.
Relationships: Carlos/Cecil Palmer
Comments: 24
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

The short corridor from the main lab to Carlos the Scientist's Private Lab/Office was lined with the shiny, non-slip grey plastic that makes OSHA a little hot under the collar. With Carlos' preternatural ability for pattern detection, he knew without question that the brisk footsteps approaching his door belonged to his Chief <3 Scientific <3 Assistant, Nilanjana and that she was carrying something carefully in each hand from the cadence and weight of her tread.

He looked down at the collage on his desk, an explosion of magazine cuttings and snippets from the Night Vale Daily Journal. In its unfinished state, it was a broken half of a heart made ironic by the letters 'L O V' pasted across the centre in a gaudy lilac. He hoped Cecil would like it.

Hands occupied, Nilanjana knocked on the door with the toe of her boot and waited a gesture of a second before pushing it open with her side. Her nose twitched as she took in the state of his desk, looking as though someone had dropped a budget confetti cannon over the surface of it, and wrinkled fully as Carlos picked some of the tacky and greying glue from his fingertips. He didn't understand. It felt nice.

'You shouldn't skip lunch.' She told him firmly and nodded at the upper right quadrant of his desk for him to clear space for the sandwich and coffee she was carrying. The strips and scraps of coloured paper fluttered into his open Crafts Drawer in an almost dizzying rainbow as he swept them away. It was much easier to watch them fall than to meet the eyes of one of the people he had been steadfastly ignoring since the _incident_ in the Team SCIENCE Meeting that morning.

'Carlos.' Nilanjana sighed, voice heavy with responsibility. Carlos' stomach growled in response. 'What Mark said -'

'I know.' Carlos tried to smile but his eyes caught on the half-finished collage in front of him, a thinly-veiled attempt at an apology to a husband who was becoming increasingly frustrated at Carlos' late arrivals home. Little did he know, that the rueful twist of his lips and the blooming flush on his cheeks was _perfect_. In one rapid movement, he grabbed the paper and crumpled it into his Unfinished Collages For Cecil drawer. His assistant had the grace to find the light fixture on the ceiling absolutely fascinating as he struggled to get the overflowing drawer shut again. 'I know.'

'It was completely unprofessional.' She pressed on, face the grim set of a person who had already given the cause of the problem a dressing down and had now taken it upon herself to fix it. 'I think he was trying to make a joke -'

Carlos flinched. Mark's 'joke' had been ringing in his ears all morning. Even louder than the ticking, fizzing and occasional grunting of the machines he'd set up all over his lab for today's Science. It had started because there had been no picture of Esteban to round off the daily briefing, a break from a year-long tradition.

'Aw, no picture today?' Luisa had asked. Her tone wasn't as disappointed as her facial expression. Carlos found that incredibly confusing. 'I guess you can't have been seeing much of him or Cecil this last week. Must be stressful.' People were so rarely rude to Carlos that he often found it easiest to judge when a person was saying something off-colour from the reaction of others he knew well. Nilanjana had frowned, a brief flash of a thing, and then glanced at his face to check his response.

'I always miss my family when I'm away from them.' He replied sincerely. 'It has been a little stressful.'

'You have seemed stressed out, boss. You and Cecil probably just need to find time to bone.' Mark had chipped in. Carlos didn't need to look at Nilanjana's face to check his emotional response to that comment.

'Excuse me.' He said, excusing himself, but an unexpected squeak in his voice had tilted the phrase up at the end, making it sound like a question. He heard Mark start to explain that he'd feel much better if he and Cecil had sex to the back of his labcoat as he strode quickly away.

'- But it wasn't funny.' Nilanjana finished. Carlos finally met her eyes. 'Do you - ?' She cleared her throat. Everything from the slant of her shoulders to the way her left foot pointed towards the door screamed that she didn't want to be having this conversation. 'Do you want to talk about anything?'

Carlos laughed softly. 'Having a toddler is really hard.' He explained. She nodded. 'But, not harder than other things. Not harder than being trapped in a Desert Otherworld. Definitely not as hard as the samples of that alloy you pulled from the UFO crash two days ago.' He pointed to a roughly sketched lump of metal on one of the numerous whiteboards behind his desk. _UFO ALLOY, hypothesis: really, really hard_ , Carlos' perfect handwriting read. The diagram and texts were surrounded by a halo of ticks. Carlos watched Nilanjana nod and was satisfied that she understood.

'If you need to leave early, I can -'

'I recognise your offer, but I wouldn't be a team player if I let you complete my work for me.' He said solemnly. Nilanjana nodded, less certainly this time, but he was still satisfied that she understood. She had that look on her face, the soft look she got when she wanted badly to comfort him. Instead of a hug, she patted the desk next to the sandwich and coffee cup.

'Don't forget lunch.' She said.

Carlos waited a full second after the door had closed to release his breath in a long sigh. Nilanjana, for all her good intentions, had chosen the worst mug she could possibly have picked. _World's Best Scientist,_ the mug decreed. Underneath it, someone with an aptitude for painting had added _\+ husband._ Then, in a different colour to honour the perceived passing of time: _\+ daddy_.

He typed out a quick message to Cecil. An apology and a promise that he would make it up to him. He debated for a while before adding a suggestive emoji onto the end of the text. Not that he thought Mark had any evidence to support his hypothesis . . . But unable to resist testing a theory once he had been given it.

The typing bubble appeared and disappeared a number of times. Carlos thought that his anxiety was making his sandwich taste like sawdust but, when he checked, it turned out that was just the filling. He swept a few golden curls of it onto the floor and jumped as Cecil's reply flashed up onto his screen.

_You always do, hunbunny x_

****

The smell of _good_ cooking and the _pap pap pap pap_ of approaching paws. The distant sound of a honey-voiced man cooing to a child in the bath tub. Carlos the Scientist must be home.

'Ooh, Esteban, look who it is!'

Carlos waved from the doorframe, taking in the scene of his tiny son in the bath, his gorgeous husband kneeling on the tiles and trying to get Esteban to look his way.

'Daddy!' Esteban screamed in delight. (Daddy was his current favourite word but he would learn the meaning and power of 'No' in the next few days, much to his fathers' chagrin)

'Hi, baby!' Carlos grinned as he too came to kneel by the side of the tub. He ran a hand up the back of Cecil's shirt, knowing through years of practice, exactly which tattoos his fingers skimmed over as he went. 'Hi, baby.' He murmured and Cecil kissed his cheek with a tired smile. 'Sorry I'm late, I -'

'It's okay.' Cecil cut him off with a yawn. 'Hey, could you finish off bath and bed? I need to go and check on the food.'

'Yeah, of course.' Carlos bit back the desire to keep apologising. With a soft, good-night kiss to Esteban's damp hair, Cecil was gone.

A long and rambling bedtime story later, Carlos tiptoed down the stairs, heart pounding with a nervous anticipation. He had a hypothesis to test and it was a dizzying combination of the two things that made him giddiest: science and sex with Cecil. There was a tense, coiling feeling in his gut, laced with fine threads of guilt that Cecil might be feeling the same way. He'd been carrying it for days.

Aubergine caught him at the bottom of the stairs, winding his chunky purple frame through Carlos' legs. His tail beat a happy rhythm against the wall as the pair made their way into the warm glow of the lounge.

Carlos inhaled, trying to muster up something sexy to say. Something that would set a better tone than: _hey, baby, my co-worker thinks we should do it._

He exhaled softly.

Cecil was sitting back on the couch, head surrounded by a halo of perfectly positioned scatter cushions, blond hair falling into his face, eyes closed and mouth parted. Unable to sit properly on any item of furniture, he had one long leg hiked up over the armrest. The spread of his legs in those outrageous pants would be more than inviting in other circumstances but, in that moment, all it did was tug at Carlos' chest.

There were many ways to take care of a person, after all.

****

Cecil watched the ON AIR sign blink off and nodded at the lazy thumbs-up Xenia the producer gave him through the glass. He sank back into his chair, away from the looming fuzz of the microphone, and gave up on trying to catch the eye of the newest intern with a small sigh. He was going to have to get his own lunch. Again.

The intern (Mike? Mick? Mikhail? The One Who Shall Be Feared And So They Are Feared They Shall Be Called Michael?) was pleasant enough, but they always disappeared right around the time Cecil wanted them to get his lunch which lost them major brownie points with the community radio host. More than that, today -

Cecil tried and failed not to notice the purpling mark creeping down the side of his Intern's neck for the hundredth time. There was nothing lecherous about the way his attention kept getting drawn to it, more that the flagrant display was a painful reminder of how long it had been since Cecil had been able to leave his own marks on the dark and delicate skin where his husband's beard became his neck.

He sighed again.

It wasn't that he wasn't enjoying their new family dynamic. Cecil had always sworn to himself that, despite his personal lack of role models, he would strive to be the very best parent he could, and he was quietly certain that he and Carlos weren't screwing things up so far. Before he met Carlos, he hadn't known it was possible to love another person so much. Now, he looked out into the star-speckled void before closing the curtains in his son's room and he was beginning to suspect that a bit of that void lived inside himself too. An endless and consuming space from which poured a limitless tide of love for his little family. But then he would kiss Esteban good night and sit on the couch and, maybe Carlos would be home, maybe he'd be at work, or Cecil would have cover a late shift at the station, or they'd sit on the chairs on the porch and try not to fall asleep before dinner, and he'd have to admit (even just in a hoarse whisper to the Secret Police microphone inside the showerhead) that it was exhausting.

Through the studio glass, the Intern flashed their hickey at Cecil and the assembled NVCR staff as they vanished in a shower of red glitter. Cecil got to his feet and rolled his shoulders. A visit to the Science District was in order.

****

Nilanjana Sikdar shot Cecil the kind of look she always gave him as he knocked politely on the door to their shared laboratory and entered with a smile. He turned briefly to check that the feathered hem of his coat hadn't got stuck in the door and when he turned back she was still looking, visibly perplexed but clearly intrigued by his presence. It felt like being one of the bacteria under her microscope. You knew she was interested in you, but you couldn't pin her down on how she felt about that.

'Hi, Dr Sik-'

Cecil's greeting was interrupted by a violent flash of dark and the sound of a kettle whistling, if a kettle had a human larynx to whistle through. Cecil kind of liked it.

'GodDAMMIT!' Mark shouted as light returned to the lab. Cecil watched him pull off a pair of soot-blackened goggles with an exasperated gesture at the machine in front of him.

'That wasn't very good at all.' Luisa tutted.

'Carlos is in his office.' Nilanjana offered with a tight smile.

Cecil trusted Nilanjana's knowledge, but he couldn't see Carlos in his office as he swung open the door and swept his gaze from the window that looked out over the Science District, Downtown Night Vale and, far beyond that, the red blinking of the radio tower; across to the empty chair behind Carlos' messy desk, to the reflective glassware of the gently frothing beakers on the lab benches at the other side of the room.

'Cecil! Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here!'

Cecil did a double take, finally thinking to look on top of the cupboards which sat above the lab benches. His husband was lying in the crawl space between the cupboards and the ceiling, a little dusty but otherwise _perfect_ , and beaming down at him.

'Carlos!' Cecil gasped, 'Is something wrong?'

'Hm?' Carlos began to wriggle down from his perch. 'No?' Cecil planted his husband's jelly bean noodles on the desk and smiled as Carlos instinctively wrapped his legs around his middle so that Cecil could catch him. Instead of putting him down however, Cecil held him close and brushed a few clumps of dust from Carlos' long and glossy hair.

'You sounded panicked just then.' Cecil murmured as Carlos wound his arms around his neck.

'Oh, no? I'm just always so glad when you're here!'

Cecil pressed a kiss to his husband's forehead with a chuckle. 'I brought you lunch.' He murmured.

'Mhm?' Carlos hummed. Cecil hitched Carlos up into a more comfortable position in his arms and revelled in the almost-anxious thudding in his chest at the sight of Carlos' dilated pupils as they fixed on his lips.

'I hope I'm not disturbing anything important.'

'Hm?' Carlos' perfect beard twitched around a coy smile. 'No, just . . . Ah . . . science.' Cecil backed the pair of them up so that he could rest Carlos back on the lip of the nearest lab bench while the scientist snuck his hands inside Cecil's coat, fingertips coming to rest uncertainly on the dimples in Cecil's lower back. 'I missed you.' The words fell from Carlos' lips directly into the pit of sinking dismay which formed in Cecil's chest. He wasn't sure if it made the situation better or worse that the ache he felt for Carlos was requited.

'Oh, Bunny . . .'

Carlos' nails dug into the ink-lined skin of Cecil's back as their lips met in a desperate mess of lips and soft gasps that were just audible over the bubbling of the Erlenmeyer flasks. Cecil crowded closer, drawn by the Carlos' body heat like a moth to the flame, and encouraged by the squeeze of Carlos' legs around his waist. The frustrated need that had been simmering unchecked inside Cecil's veins was close to boiling over. He cupped Carlos' face with his hands and broke the kiss to stare into the blown-out beauty of his pupils.

' _Now?_ '

Carlos' dark skin took on an attractive flush. He glanced at the closed door obviously and then, even more obviously, down at the runched fabric where their bodies pressed together. Cecil felt a tremble run through Carlos' body as he nuzzled his neck until he arched it _just so_ and he could finally, finally press his lips to the spot he'd been fantasising about on his way over.

'Cece -' Carlos whispered, nails dragging up Cecil's back to pull him even closer. 'I want -'

Whatever Carlos began to say was lost under the shrill scream of Mark's new experiment. Carlos went very still under Cecil's tongue as the commotion outside in the main lab grew louder.

'Aw GODDAMNIT!' Mark was heard to shout. Another voice, Luisa's, added something dry and unhappy.

'Mark! Get the fire extinguisher!' Dr Sikdar's usually calm command was clearly shaken. Carlos' hand found the curve of Cecil's chest as he hastily pushed him away to run towards the door with the panicked eyes of a doe whose realtor was trying to break free.

Cecil watched him go, shoulders slumped, and took a long, shaky breath to cool off.

'GODDAMNIT!' Mark shouted again.

 _Yeah_ , Cecil thought drily, _goddamnit._

****

'I'm so sorry about earlier.' Carlos mumbled around his toothbrush before dipping to spit in the sink. The movement was too quick for Cecil to catch the expression on his face. His husband had been quiet that evening, clearly uncomfortable about having to politely ask Cecil to abandon their lunch date in favour of cleaning the oddly sticky soot out of his laboratory.

'Hey, baby,' Cecil's fingers stretched out to stroke a soothing line up Carlos' spine but he waited for Carlos to notice the movement and indicate that he wanted it before touching him. 'It's okay! I'm sorry for putting you in that position in the first place. I -' He watched Carlos wash the toothpaste from around his mouth. It was one of those odd, every day moments when he was struck by just how in love with the other man he was. The sudden feeling made him swallow, mouth dry.

'What?' Carlos asked nervously. Cecil met his eyes in the mirror and rearranged his expression into a smile.

'You're cute.' It explained nothing and everything at the same time. Carlos shrugged, but there was a new glint in his eyes, surprised and satisfied all at once.

He watched the scientist wriggle free from his evening lab coat and pull off the rest of his clothes. Cecil fought to keep the haughty tutting sound trapped behind his teeth as Carlos immediately dropped everything on the bathroom floor before realising himself and dumping it all in the hamper instead. Marriage was a series of love-soaked rituals and there was a special sort of magic in helping Carlos slip into his Sleeping Lab Coat. Cecil grabbed it from the hook and held it out with a soft smile.

He didn't expect Carlos to eye the offered coat with an uncertain suspicion. He met Cecil's confused gaze and the radio host wet his lips at the look he found there.

The lab coat found its way back onto the hook. Cecil and Carlos found themselves on top of the comforter, Carlos straddling Cecil's hips as he tugged uselessly at the larger man's clothes.

'Off!' The scientist whined, 'Off, _off_. All of it, Cecil.' It was a fair request, but the way Carlos ground his hips down into Cecil's hardening erection was making both rational thought and any sequence of movement difficult. Carlos let out a delighted sort of squeak as Cecil flipped them over, the sound too loud in the relative quiet of the house.

_Fuck_ , Cecil thought as he covered Carlos' mouth with his own, fumbling with the elastic waistband of his pyjama bottoms as it caught awkwardly on the curve of an organ that was desperate to make its presence known. Then, _oh for fuck's -_ he tried not to groan audibly as the unhappy cries of a scared toddler wafted from across the landing.

'Ah. Esteban!' Carlos gasped as though it had just occurred to him that waking up their son was a consequence of them failing to keep it down. They stared at each other, panting. Aubergine added a soft howl to the mournful symphony coming from outside the room.

Cecil bowed his head and reached to pull his pants back up. Carlos' hand seized his wrist.

'I'll go, baby. I'll - just give me ten minutes.' The scientist pecked his lips once. Then, seeming to decide they were irresistible, kissed him firmly again and pushed him back down onto the bed.

'Carlos -' Cecil started but Esteban's other father was already fastening up his smart white coat. His grin was enough to outshine the glow of the Secret Police Searchlights through the gap in the curtains.

'I'll be quick! Don't fall asleep, okay?'

'Alright, Auby. Shh! I'm coming!' He heard Carlos stage whisper as he padded towards Esteban's room. Cecil sighed. The tent in his pants nodded up at him as though Cecil was disappointing it once again. An exhausted, selfish part of himself briefly entertained the idea of finishing himself off and curling up under the covers. But Cecil Palmer had come a long way from the exhausted and selfish young man who used to indulge his bad ideas first and think about the consequences later. He fisted a hand in his hair instead, tugging on the fine blond strands in frustration.

_What did he mean: don't fall asleep?_ From across the hall, Esteban's muffled sobs settled into the loud sniffles of a child who was no longer upset but wanted you to know that they weren't ready for you to leave. Carlos' sweet reassurances were a mellifluous background against the unhappy rumble of Cecil's thoughts. Was that something he did nowadays? Ignore his husband's needs and desires in favour of catching enough shut-eye to function through the rest of the day? He'd thought -

He wasn't worried. Not . . . _worried._ Bringing Esteban into their lives had, Cecil thought, genuinely brought them closer as a couple. They had always been a great team, and now they were finding new ways to prove it every single day. It . . . It had just been a while. That was all.

He jumped as the hand he had dramatically let hang over the side of the bed was nudged by a wet nose.

'Mr Aubergine!' The dog's tail beat a happy rhythm at the attention. Cecil sighed again as he gave in and scratched a fat, purple neck. 'He's not coming back in ten minutes, is he?' Aubergine panted at the rhetorical question.

From the other side of Esteban's bedroom door came the sound of a grown man imitating the roar of a mass spectrometer. Cecil, now draped in his favourite night gown, smiled with an exasperated fondness as he pushed the door open.

'Daddy!' Esteban, pink-cheeked and only slightly snotty from crying, beamed as his other favourite human entered the room. The sound made the tight feeling in Cecil's chest unknot. As did the sight of the pair of them in the tiny bed (the tiny bed which, in a show of great compromise, was shaped like a microphone with a flashy Periodic Table bedcover). Carlos' body was curled around his son's tiny frame as he propped himself up with one hand and held Esteban's favourite book open in front of them with the other.

'He-ey, Daddy Cecil! Look who won't go to sleep!' He met Carlos' apologetic eyes over the top of Esteban's sleepy tufts of hair.

'Uhoh! Esteban, it's sleep time, little chicken!'

'NO.' Esteban asserted. 'Daddy, no!' His bottom lip started to wobble. Aubergine woofed in agreement.

By the time that Carlos had wrapped up the bedtime story and Cecil had coaxed the shadow creature out from underneath Esteban's bed and Carlos had consented it to come to the lab for scientific testing the next morning and Aubergine had stopped growling at the spot it had disappeared from, it just felt right to slip under the covers with his husband and his son to tell them both one more bedtime story. Watching Esteban's eyes grow heavier as he snuggled into an equally drowsy Carlos' chest, feeling the Esteban's grip on one hand slacken as he fell asleep and Carlos' grip on the other tighten as he coaxed him to keep talking anyway: it was more than Cecil could have ever asked for.

****

They might have had time the following night, a cool, moonless Tuesday, except for the fact that Tamika Flynn had dared Cecil to read the dark, psychological thriller series: Rainbow Magic before her appearance on his show on Wednesday. Carlos, having never read a book, couldn't understand why Cecil didn't even tear his eyes away from the pages when he tried to distract him with a series of increasingly firm forehead kisses. But it was fine, a distracted Cecil meant that he could get away with leaving the dishes in the sink overnight. And he always had a lot of science to be getting on with.

They might have had time on Wednesday, but Luisa had done _something_ to her potatoes and, every time she acted disappointed in them, the quantity doubled. The string of excited voicemails Cecil played out while he was bouncing Esteban on his hip, stirring the risotto and vacuuming the kitchen seemed to suggest that this was _very_ scientifically interesting. It also meant that all the exits from the lab were blocked by mountains of potatoes and Carlos wouldn't be home until the early hours of Thursday morning.

Few things put Carlos in the mood like new scientific discoveries, and Cecil awoke with a horny scientist on his lips. Cecil had just slipped a finger into the inviting heat between his husband's thighs when the hours of mashing his way free finally wiped Carlos the Scientist out with a dramatic sequence of snores. Cecil fell back to sleep in a bed that smelled of sex and potatoes. There was still nowhere else he'd rather be in the world.

Thursday night seemed set in stone, especially after the picture he received from a particular bearded scientist on his lunch break. But, that evening, Cecil stepped into the house after his late show to find that his truly delightful life partner had made precisely zero effort to help with any of the chores on the list that Cecil had helpfully pinned to their bathroom mirror, the fridge and the pocket of Carlos' Causal Loungewear Lab Coat. Instead, Carlos had been teaching Esteban about non-Newtonian fluids. Carlos had been teaching Esteban about non-Newtonian fluids all over the kitchen, hallway and . . . dog. By the time he peeled off his rubber gloves and headed up the stairs to bed, Cecil thought he might be over it. Then, in the dark, he stepped on the sharp edge of the bloodstone shrine he'd asked Carlos three times to put back in its place ( _three times!)_ and decided that Carlos could consider himself lucky to get a single kiss goodnight.

'Hey, you.' Cecil whispered and pressed a little kiss to the tip of Carlos' nose as he blinked awake on Friday morning.

'Hi, handsome.'

'Sorry for being grumpy last night.'

Carlos yawned, 'You already apologised. I'm sorry for making a mess.' Cecil kissed him again, hoping to convey that, unlike last night, he was now genuinely sorry for his sour mood. Carlos smiled, understanding Cecil's silence in a way he rarely managed with other people.

Morning breath hadn't been a concern of theirs for years now and their kiss deepened into the slow slide of potential until their sighs were shaky and hands purposeful as they slid up each others' chests.

'I hope you know that it's not because I don't want to. I do - I really do.'

'I know.' Carlos stroked the line of Cecil's jaw just because he could. 'Me too.'

'We'll find time.' Cecil promised. 'I love you.'

'I love you so much.' Carlos promised in return.

****

'Thank you, Abby, I'm so sorry. Carlos got held up at work and Station Management has been - you know, Station Management.' Cecil repeated as she gently passed the sleeping form of his son into his waiting arms.

'Oh, hey, don't worry about it. Having this little guy over is about the only thing that gets Janice off her phone these days so . . .'

' _Teenagers_.' Cecil said sympathetically and Abby gave him a wry smile. They both knew that they'd never come across a teenager quite so painful as Cecil himself had been. 'Well, give Janice and Steve my love. I should get this one home.'

'Hey, um -' Abby leaned on the doorframe and dropped her voice into the quiet almost-whisper she usually saved for dishing the best gossip. Cecil balanced his bike on his hip and waited. 'Are you okay?'

'Ye-es?'

'Don't give me that.'

'Don't give you _what_? I'm fine.'

'That look! I'm - look, you look . . .'

Cecil held up a finger. 'Careful what you say, Abs, this is a new gillet.' She rolled her eyes impressively.

'Tired.' Abby held up her own hand, signalling _Goddamnit, Cecil don't make me mother you, we both hate it_. 'You look tired.'

'Well . . . Thank you.' Cecil hissed, careful not to jostle the sleeping child in his arms. The situation reminded him of the hoarse-voiced spitting matches he and Abby used to have over Janice's incubator. If someone had told him then . . .

Well, he still didn't want Abby to mother him.

'I am tired.'

'When was the last time you had a night off?'

'I actually took a night off to read a book this week.' Cecil snipped.

'When was the last time you _and_ Carlos took a night off? _Together_.' It was an unfair question, Abby already knew the answer. She laughed quietly. 'That's what I thought.'

'We're not having this conversation.'

'Cecil -'

'Nope. Thank you for looking after my son, we'll be leaving now -'

'When Steve and I -'

'No. Nuhuh, Abby.'

'Cecil.' She sighed, 'Steve and I can watch Esteban any night, just let us know.'

'That's very kind of you but -'

'Fine, I'll ask Carlos, he'll say yes. Safe travels, boys.' She flashed him her biggest _fuck you, I won_ grin and blew the sleeping toddler a kiss before shutting the door as quietly as she could.

It took a few seconds for an eerily similar grin to spread across Cecil's lips as he buckled his son into the carrier on the back of his bike. They might find time after all.


	2. Chapter 2

The mirror did something odd to Carlos' reflection. It seemed fine when he was looking straight at himself - he tried to ignore how _wired_ he looked, as though he were barely keeping within the confines of his own skin, desperate for something that had been frequently teased but not delivered upon in _too_ long - but when he turned his gaze to his soapy hands in the sink he was struck with the most peculiar certainty that it was still watching him. _That's what the fine dining experience is all about, I guess_ , he thought and he thought his reflection in the flashy Tourniquet mirror shrugged in response.

As he braved the hand-dryer, he pictured Cecil at their table. The spectral reflections of light from the nearby chandelier made him look even more ethereal than usual, and when the light caught on the tattooed skin revealed by his open collar? Carlos bit his lip at the memory.

The door to the toilets opened with a squeak, and Carlos only just held back one of his own as he was jolted back to the present. He tugged his hands from the oddly heated, furry grasp of the hand-dryer and turned to see the man himself at the door, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk that reminded Carlos of the experiments he'd once done with a consenting sidewinder from out in the Sand Wastes. A few drops of the little snake's venom mixed with his own gladly donated blood and it had fizzed and boiled more effectively than even his favourite Bunsen burner could have achieved.

'I was just thinking about you.' Carlos whispered against Cecil's lips as the slightly taller man, unable to face the mirrors, allowed himself to be crowded back into a toilet cubicle. Cecil's laugh was a purr in his throat as Carlos kissed his neck, nose full of the delicious musk of Cecil's aftershave and, underneath that, the smell of the man himself. Home. Sex. Potential. It made Carlos feel a little unsteady on his feet.

Luckily, Cecil's fingers were digging deep into the flesh of his ass, drawing their bodies close together and holding Carlos firmly in place. He glanced down at the shimmering silver fabric of Cecil's pants and wondered how much his husband would object to them falling to the floor of the bathroom stall in a beautiful, reflective pool. Slow service was part of the fine dining experience, Carlos was sure that their food wouldn't be getting cold at the table without them. Even if it did, he was going to chance it. He was slipping his fingers between the elastic of the waistband and Cecil's _distractingly_ smooth stomach when the tell-tale squeak of the door stopped him in his tracks. Cecil's hands gripped Carlos even tighter, sending frissons of pleasure sparking up the scientist's spine even as the rest of him froze in panic.

The new occupant of the bathroom stomped over to the urinals and Carlos and Cecil breathed in silent tandem as they awkwardly listened to the newcomer relieve themself then step over to the sinks with a quiet ' _oh_.'

'Cecil? Uh . . . You in there?'

Carlos watched his husband's face contort into a wince as they both recognised the unmistakeable drawl of Night Vale's only Scout-Leader-Turned-Sous-Chef. Earl. He shot Cecil a ' _shit, what do we do?'_ look and got a severely unhappy one in return. Carlos had never pretended to understand the tenuous friendship between those two, sometimes it felt like Earl wanted the three of them to be friends and Cecil was holding Carlos firmly out of reach; sometimes, he felt utterly compelled to insinuate himself between Earl and Cecil and he was never sure why Cecil seemed grateful when he did. One thing he did understand, however, was that what Cecil really wanted was for his pants to be in a puddle on the floor and for himself to follow shortly after.

He let go of Carlos very, very reluctantly.

'Stay here.' He whispered, voice a rough contrast to the brush of lips against Carlos' ear. It set off a single firework of desire deep in Carlos' centre and he had never resented Earl more in the second that it took for Cecil to lean past him and press the flush before exiting the stall in a dramatic swoop. Carlos hid in the shadow of the half-open door, praying that Cecil would keep Earl distracted enough for the chef not to notice the extra pair of feet peeking beneath the door.

'Hey . . . Buddy!' Cecil's greeting sounded to Carlos like a guitar with one string out of tune. 'How did you know I was in there?'

'The mirror!' Earl replied happily. Cecil squawked. 'No, don't look! I just meant, it shows your reflection until you've washed your hands! We once had Susan Willman's reflection in the Ladies' for over a month.' Carlos rolled his eyes when he heard Cecil's predictable throaty noise of disgust. The sound of running faucets. Earl complimented Cecil's shirt.

'Well, it was nice to see you. Can't wait for the food!' Cecil said loudly. An excited anticipation reared its head from the pit of Carlos' stomach. Earl was nice but it would also be nice for him to get out of there.

'Yeah . . . Hey, Cecil, we should get together sometime. I - oh! I've been thinking a lot about a new twist for Cooking With Earl Harlan? Swing by the kitchen, I could show you? It's real quick!'

'Um?' Cecil paused. Carlos shifted uncomfortably. 'Sure! But, it is Date Night, Earl, so let's not talk too much shop, okay?'

'Great!' Earl's voice got momentarily louder and then quieter as the pair of them left the bathroom. 'I first got the inspiration for this when I remembered that trip to Dead Dog Creek back when we were Dreadnoughts, remember? The worms? Come on, Cecil, you must remember the worms!'

Carlos waited through a beat of silence before stepping out of the stall and into the yellow pools of light by the sinks. He stared at himself in the mirror, almost convinced that this was his true reflection this time, and gripped the side of the sink as he took in a long breath. It was as though he were standing on a Van Der Graaf generator, the prickling sensation over his entire body, the awareness of every seam and zipper against his skin. Particularly the ones he wished Cecil would remove. Carlos closed his eyes and focused on the sensation of air entering and leaving his lungs. It helped. _We can still have a nice dinner and then we can go home._ He blinked at himself and raked a hand through his hair to get it to lie in the effortlessly mussed style he knew Cecil couldn't resist. _Dinner, then home_. He nodded at himself in the mirror and washed his hands. Just in case.

****

Carlos was watching him again.

Cecil kept his eyes firmly on the road ahead of them, the car headlights making the dunes around them seem sharper somehow, less friendly. Or, perhaps, that was just his mood. Still, he could feel a pair of soft, brown eyes searching his face and he fought a pout off his lips.

'Hey,' His husband said softly, 'I still had a really nice time. It's been so long since we've been out together! And that new vegetarian steak was very scientifically interesting and I really wasn't expecting my cocktail to serenade us. Especially not in Tagalog. . .'

'I know.' Cecil sighed.

Ignoring the disappointing interruption in the toilets, it had been shaping up to be a perfect evening. He and Carlos had waved goodbye to their son as Abby held him up at the front window of her house, they didn't even have to wait too long for a table at Tourniquet, the food _was_ great. Even better was the way that Carlos had nudged him gently under the table when the waiter asked if they wanted dessert. Cecil had given his husband an appraising once over and, noticing the scientist's hungry eyes, decided it was the right decision to get home as fast as they could.

'We did the right thing.' Carlos laid a soothing hand on Cecil's thigh, thumb running smoothly over the shiny fabric of his pants. Cecil glanced at the clock on his dashboard. It had never worked before but he knew, despite the unhelpful insistence that it had just gone midday, that it was too late to get home, fuck, and then collect their son at an hour that was considerate to their babysitters. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel as his body lit up under Carlos' gentle touch despite that fact.

'Mhm.'

'Imagine if we'd just driven past them.' Carlos wasn't giving up on trying to soothe him. For a lustful second, Cecil did allow himself to picture them both speeding past the frantically waving pedestrians at the side of the road, how he would carry Carlos into the house, the sound his Date Science lab coat would make as Cecil ripped the poppers open in one swift -

Carlos' hand squeezed his thigh. Cecil blinked.

'I didn't know you could exorcise cars.' They turned a corner and the blinking lights of Downtown Nightvale flashed in the distance. Cecil inhaled deeply, something in his chest fluttering at the surprised admiration in Carlos' voice. He didn't want to ruin the moment by telling him that he'd actually just quoted one of the old Pine Sol adverts from his early days in radio. _Be clean, demons of filth and all that is unholy, be CLEAN._ It had taken a _long_ time, but it had worked. 'Or change tyres.' Carlos continued. His fingers brushed against the inside seam of Cecil's pants. 'It was very sexy.'

' _Carlos_ -' Cecil warned as Carlos' creeping fingers bumped against the eager evidence of Cecil's arousal.

'Wha-at?' Carlos asked, musical and innocent and definitely, _definitely_ squeezing something he shouldn't be. Cecil swerved a pothole that hadn't been there a second ago and let out a short huff of breath as the movement jostled Carlos' hand against his crotch.

'I'm -' He could feel his cheeks starting to burn and fervently hoped that his blush wasn't visible in the dance of the streetlights they drove past. His mouth felt very dry. _In my defence, it has been a looong time._ 'Driving.'

Carlos' exploration of Cecil's zipper stilled momentarily. Cecil glanced over at his face. Carlos' head was tilted as though he were sizing up his next great discovery, eyes twinkling, lips spreading into a slow smirk. _Goddamnit_ , Cecil wet his lips quickly. The scrublands were fading away around them and in less than a minute they'd be passing Larry Leroy's remote house. _He wants me so bad_. The thought became a feeling, alive and dangerous in the back of Cecil's throat, the perfect accompaniment to the squirming ache between his legs.

Carlos' voice was suddenly rough. 'Stop driving then.'

The Moon may be a stupid piece of Space junk, but Cecil was still floored by the things its light did to his love's face.

He tore his gaze away to glance out of the windows nervously, sweeping the deserted highway for any signs of movement. A helicopter circled lazily above them, it's colour undeterminable against the inky void surrounding it, but that was hardly new and rarely something that he or Carlos needed to worry about.

The scientist had worn his hair down for the evening, a sure sign that he wanted Cecil's blood simmering like the strange liquids he so loved to stare in his lab, and it felt softer than silk as Cecil smoothed it back from Carlos' face. He was rewarded with the sight of the moonlight bouncing off Carlos' cheekbones as he gripped Cecil's erection and shuffled as far forwards as the handbrake would allow to press a tender kiss to the exposed and flushed head of it.

'Shit.' Cecil said, with feeling. Then, voice already swooping down into a bassy rumble ' _Baby -'_

'Shhh.' Carlos shushed him soothingly, though the grin on his face looked beyond delighted as he repeated the kiss and Cecil's breathing hitched. Cecil grabbed a fistful of that perfect, silver-shot hair just for something to hold on to and made a sound that was more of a growl than a moan as Carlos slipped the tip of his penis between his lips and into his hot, _hot_ mouth.

These days, Cecil rarely thought about his life, particularly his sex-life, before Carlos. It was a slow-healing wound and Cecil was content not to pick at the scab of it. Before, he had never managed to muster a fondness for being on the receiving end of oral sex, too anxious that his chosen partner was secretly resenting the act to properly enjoy it. It had taken the persistent scientist a long time to convince him that there was plenty of mutual enjoyment to be had and, if there was one way that Cecil didn't mind being worn down, it was with Carlos' tongue.

As if hearing his thoughts, Carlos' belt buckle clinked as he single-handedly wrestled his way inside his jeans to touch himself. He moaned around Cecil's cock and the sound shot up Cecil's spine, a wanton rumble which he echoed in response.

'Hah - ah! _Carlos_.' He murmured above the slick sounds of Carlos' mouth and trembled as he ran a reverent thumb over his husband's cheek and felt himself inside. Carlos hummed happily which set off another positive feedback loop, heightening the ache in the pit of Cecil's stomach to an almost dangerously pleasurable zenith. _God, it had been so long_. This wasn't exactly what Cecil had been picturing when he'd spilled a generous amount of blood at the bloodstone shrine this morning, but it felt incredible all the same. And it would be so easy to just -

'Stop - ah! Carlos! Bunny! Stop, stop, stop!' Cecil hissed as Carlos gripped the base of his erection and pulled away with a wet smack that was far too loud in the otherwise quiet of the shadows outside. Carlos pulled his hand out of his pants and slowly sat back on his heels, eyeing the flushed and leaking organ in his hand for any sign that the fun might be over. 'Sorry.' Cecil reached for him with a wonky smile, tattoos writhing over his exposed collarbones as he tried to slow his breathing. 'Felt too good.' Something started to glitter in Carlos' doe-eyes.

'Oh, yeah?'

'Oh, _absolutely_.'

The cotton susurrus of Carlos' coat as he twisted to shimmy out of his jeans was lost under the metallic crank of Cecil's seat as he pushed back to make room for Carlos between his chest and the steering wheel. It was a bit of a squeeze, one of Carlos' legs squished painfully against the cold plastic of the door and the other hanging dangerously close to the edge of the seat. But it brought them together - noses bumping in between the heated slide of lips, hands clutching at lab coat lapels and sliding up into short blond strands of hair, the silver lamé of Cecil's pants sticking to Carlos' thighs - and that was what they needed.

Cecil broke the desperate kiss with steady hands on Carlos' jawline. He had just about forced himself back in control of his own body, and he wanted, _God, he wanted_ , to do this properly. Carlos blinked at him, the lights of the circling helicopters arcing in the sky through the windscreen behind him like the fireflies they had watched in amazement on their jungle vacation. His cheeks were flushed and warm under Cecil's fingers and, even now, drenched in the comforting privacy of shadow, he was perfect. Cecil grinned. Carlos grinned back.

Cecil's shimmery lipgloss smeared itself all over Carlos' mouth, his cheeks, over the bump of his Adam's apple. They each let out a soft grunt as Carlos relaxed down until their cocks bumped together. The angle was awkward in the cramped space of the front seat, but every minute shift of Carlos' hips sent fresh spirals of aching delight through to Cecil's core.

Carlos grabbed the back of Cecil's neck, pulling himself forward until his oaky whisper was but a breath in Cecil's ear.

'I love you so much that it shouldn't be scientifically possible. I - I made charts . . .' He let out a shaky hiss, almost lost under the whirring of helicopter blades, grinding down hard and Cecil swallowed. They were both very into science. 'And I've been, um, collecting data. About how often I think about you, stratified by how often I think about _this_.'

'Oh?' Cecil asked breathlessly. His toes curled against the bumps of plastic inside his Crocs as Carlos' cock dragged against the wet sensitivity of his own. Carlos hummed, half in agreement, half with distracted pleasure. The incongruously delicate kiss he bestowed on Cecil's forehead sent a shiver down the radio host's spine. It felt like an ice cube melting in the blaze of his desire.

Carlos breathed a laugh, 'Ceec, baby. Feel -' He wrapped warm fingers around Cecil's wrist to drag his hand to the dark space between his thighs. 'Feel how wet I am.'

He _was_ wet. Cecil's fingers slipped over the bulge of his cock and he and Carlos gasped in tandem as they easily parted his folds to dip into the pool of slick at his entrance. Carlos tugged his wrist back, up towards his mouth and Cecil swore in Modified Sumerian as the scientist sucked his wet fingers inside his mouth and licked them clean. It reminded him acutely of how good that mouth had felt moments before.

'God. Hon - fuck, honey.'

Carlos released his fingers with a pop. He was panting, glasses askew. 'Please -' He ran his hands down Cecil's chest, seizing at the fabric of his shirt as though he were debating ripping it open. He mouthed at Cecil's cheek, biting gently at his jaw. He mumbled something that Cecil interpreted as _need_.

'Yeah?' Cecil grabbed Carlos' hips through the thick cotton of his labcoat, and lifted him up just enough to get a hand on himself to angle the head of his cock just right. Something about the light shifted and he squinted up to see Carlos, lit from behind by a pure, golden glow. For a second, Cecil wondered if he'd just accidentally come. Or died. Or was in the process of dying and this beautiful and perfect Carlos was going to ask him for one last kiss -

' **MR AND MR PALMER!** ' Came a nasal voice through a bullhorn. Carlos jumped violently, and wrapped his large coat over their exposed skin with a startled peep. The _whupwhupwhupwhup_ of the helicopter sounded much closer, now that Cecil thought to pay attention to it. He clutched Carlos close and felt his panicked breathing against his neck.

'Shh, Bunny. It's okay, I'm sure everything is okay.' He soothed but he was sure that Carlos could feel the race of his pulse through his skin.

**'I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, GENTLEMEN. PLEASE WIND DOWN YOUR WINDOW.** ' Cecil stabbed the button, lust turning into a writhing anger at the interruption. Sure, the Secret Police had felt the need to intervene in the past, but never like this . . . Never when it had been _so long_. The window slid down in a series of reluctant jerks. Carlos shivered at the kiss of the cool night air on his thighs and Cecil placed a hand firmly on the small of his back so as not to overwhelm him with too many sensations at once. Sometimes the whiplash was worse than the initial overstimulation.

'It's okay.' He mumbled. Then, shifting so he could peer up into the beam of the helicopter's searchlight. 'Could you lower the volume a little, please, Officer?'

**'WHAT?** '

Carlos helpfully covered his ears.

'I SAID, CAN YOU BE QUIETER? PLEASE. OFFICER.'

' **OH!** RIGHT! SURE I CAN! SORRY, I STILL HAVE TO USE THE MEGAPHONE THOUGH . . . IT'S PINK!'

'Is there a problem, Officer?' Cecil bit back his sigh. The mortification was starting to bloom in his chest and he fought that back too. Always best to remain mildly irritated in situations like this. The spider that lived in his sock drawer when he was a kid had always told him that embarrassment was the biggest signifier of guilt.

' **YES!** OH! **SORRY!** YES! YOU DON'T HAVE THE PAPERWORK FOR WHAT YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO!'

Cecil frowned and even Carlos lifted his head up from Cecil's chest to shoot him a baffled look. They'd been married for years . . . The paperwork, the pin machines . . . Those were an important part of the early dating scene, but everyone knew that the secret reason for the relatively high number of marriages in Night Vale was the eventual obsolescence of paperwork.

Cecil stuck his head out through the open window to glare up into the light. 'What?! Of course we do!'

There was a brief pause. 'UM, NO! YOUR OUTDOOR PENETRATIVE SEX PERMIT EXPIRED LAST MONTH! NEW RULES, I'M AFRAID.'

Cecil shook his head vigorously. 'Nuhuh! Carlos went to the City Council a week before the expiry date and -' Carlos' hand seized his wrist. Cecil popped his head back through the window and his stomach sank at the apologetic fear on his husband's face.

'Cece -' He started. Cecil's groan was split in two as Carlos shifted and brushed against the single-minded part of his body which didn't really care what else was going on around them. He bit his lip and tried to steady his breathing. 'I'm so sorry, baby. I was in the queue and then I noticed that the walls of City Hall were made of that radioactive granite that I was trying to get a sample of, so I tried to scrape some off the nearest pillar and then the receptionist with the lovely eyes, you know - Judith?'

'Yeah, I know Judith.'

'She forcibly removed me and . . . . and I think I forgot to go back.'

Cecil closed his eyes, thoughts drifting back to the feeling of the road rumbling under the car's tyres, to the way his foot had danced, just briefly, over the gas pedal when he saw those waving shapes in the distance, the headlamps of their vehicle like great amber eyes watching them approach. He thought of the last time he was re-educated and that, finally, was enough to convince his eager body to change its mind.

****

'Howdy, Brother in Law!' Steve stage-whispered in the direction of the car at the end of the drive as he passed the confused and half-asleep bundle of toddler over into Carlos' arms and tried to catch the attention of the sulking radio host through the car windows. Carlos winced as Steve began to wave frantically in Cecil's direction, to which Cecil responded by staring even more resolutely at the Old Oak Tree across the road out of the driver's window.

'Thank you so much for having Esteban,' Carlos usually didn't like to touch people, as he himself didn't like unsolicited touch, but Steve's rambunctious attempts at getting Cecil's attention were making him nervous. His husband's mood had been fairly foul since their run-in on the Outskirts of town and, though he would never take his frustrations out on Carlos or Esteban . . . Steve Carlsberg was another story.

'Oh, it's no bother!' Steve chuckled good-naturedly, finally stopping his waving as Abby's pale face appeared at the door. She held up a stuffed giraffe like it was a Nobel Prize.

'Thank God.' Carlos sighed. There was no getting his son back to sleep if he woke up without his giraffe. Abby swept her sharp gaze over to the car, taking in the angles of Cecil's silhouette before flicking a glance over Carlos. She shot him a smile, awkward and knowing, and tucked the giraffe under Carlos' chin before linking her arm with Steve's as he went to start waving again.

'Let's let them get home.' She said. Steve smiled, sunny and ignorant, and seemingly just happy to have Abby pressed against his side.

'Well, sure!'

Carlos mumbled another sincere thank you and started to turn back to the car.

'Oh, Carlos!' Steve called. Abby shushed him and he grinned apologetically, 'Susan called, she's got some new plan she wants to run by Cecil tomorrow, can you - uh?'

'Warn him.' Abby finished his sentence with a grimace. 

_Not tonight, I can't_ , Carlos thought but he nodded anyway.

****

This is the scientific method.

Step one:

You will have a brief moment of euphoria the night before the experiment, in which the idea first presents itself to you. This often happens in the moments before sleeping, but do not be perturbed if it happens earlier. You will dream of your experiment, fat tears rolling down your cheeks as your unconscious mind grapples with the momentous potential of an untested hypothesis.

Step two:

You will awaken before sunrise. Your partner will still be pretending to sleep, their arm a dead weight over your waist. Remove it carefully. Resist the temptation to roll over onto your side and be pulled into a spoon. Spooning is very good for you. But, this morning, the Science must take priority. You do not necessarily need to dress, performing Science mostly naked is a thrill in itself, but you must don the appropriate Lab Coat. This is very important. It will likely be the one that your partner has hung up on the hook by the bedroom door. No matter where you leave your coat around the house it always seems to end up back here. Your partner is very good like that.

Step three:

Stop thinking about your partner. Do not pause at the end of the bed to take in their sleeping form. Their tattoos may glow in the warm gloom before the sunrise, inviting you to run your fingers over the intricate lines. The arm that was around your waist might reach out across the bed as though mourning the loss of you. Yawn quietly. It would be a very simple thing indeed to slip back into their embrace.

No, stop it. Stop thinking about your partner.

Step four:

Cross the landing very carefully. There is a door at the top of the stairs, always slightly ajar. Peer inside. The nightlight casts a amber glow across the small form in the amusingly shaped bed. It is vital to the scientific process that they are still sleeping.

They are?

Good.

Proceed to step five.

Step five:

There are two baby gates which must be crossed silently. A dog will be waiting for you in his bed at the bottom of the stairs. Some mornings he will jump up at you, panting and wagging until you let him out. Some mornings he will blink at you quizzically, aware that you are being moved by a force greater than yourself (Science) and wait until the sun has screamed the City awake before asking to relieve himself. Either is acceptable and will not impair the Science.

If you consider this a scientific emergency (it often is) you will know to use the Emergency Science Board which is carefully stashed under the sofa. It is a large chalk board which your partner carefully wipes clean and hides away every time you are finished with it. Don't forget, the chalk is stored in the box at the top of the bookshelf - chalk is a very enticing snack for both toddlers and dogs and a trip to the ER or the vet will drastically impede the Science.

Pull out the chalkboard. Has your partner left a note on it inside a lurid purple chalk heart? Are you melting a little on the inside? Thinking about their soft body in the be upstairs?

Stop that.

Step six:

Avoiding the note your partner has left, write the word SCIENCE in the centre of the chalkboard with plenty of love hearts. Dot the i in science with a heart if you're feeling particularly frisky. Write the null hypothesis underneath this. Remember, this is a _null_ hypothesis (H0), so make sure it knows that you think it's worthless. _Nothing_. _NO GOOD HYPOTHESIS_. You'll show it. You'll show that null hypothesis.

Step seven:

Science is a team activity. You don't need to dwell on the experience that forced you to realise this, but you should text a colleague with your hypothesis and planned experimental steps, and invite feedback.

****

Carlos the Scientist yawned widely, staring down at the chalkboard which was rapidly filling with the erratic chicken scratch of a desperate man with more post-graduate qualifications than he could count on both hands. His phone buzzed loudly on the coffee table and he snatched it up quickly, freezing in place before checking the notification to see if the sound had woken anyone else up. The house remained blissfully quiet.

_I'm about to start work on a machine that stops time._ He had messaged Nilanjana. She was up earlier than he expected, and her reply bore signs of an exhausted scepticism. Perhaps, he should have been more specific about the feedback he wanted.

_Carlos, do you want me to babysit? I am free tomorrow evening. Let me know._

The scientist brushed his fringe out of his eyes to reveal the frown underneath. He hadn't realised it, but the action had left a streak of chalk across his forehead in the same vibrant shade as Cecil's message on the chalkboard. He eyed that message now, letting Cecil's words melt the tension in his chest a little. His husband believed in him. He would prove himself worthy of that undying support.

He pocketed his phone and turned his attention back to his work. The equation was taking shape the way a lover might get undressed: slowly, teasingly, and then all at once. He had picked the letter _D_ for the constant of desperation, a letter he outlined several times whilst trying very hard not to drown in the memory of Cecil's cologne as he nuzzled into his neck during their interrupted dalliance in the Tourniquet bathroom last night. A _t_ for time, obviously. A host of other sigils and Greek letters that just _felt right_. Carlos pursed his lips before shoving the whole thing in brackets and multiplying it by a factor of two. There were two of them in this after all, Cecil had desires and needs to think about as well. And Carlos was thinking of Cecil even as he tried not to.

The way Cecil's fingers had gripped his waist and hips as they ground together. The muttered curses which Cecil breathed into Carlos' own lungs. The irritated set of his jaw as they drove home in silence which Carlos had guiltily still found incredibly sexy.

He closed his eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. The Cecil in his mind held his face between his large hands and looked at Carlos with an expression so adoring it made the Scientist's heart stutter even in its imagining. _No_. Better to focus on the Science. With a machine that paused time, he and Cecil could safely create time for themselves with no consequences. It would work. It had to. Carlos gripped the chalk between two fists and squeezed hard, willing the coalescing memory and fantasy behind his eyelids to leave him alone. _Just for a little while. Until I can have the real thing._

With a crisp snap, the chalk broke in his hands and went skittering along the floor into the kitchen. Carlos blinked and sighed. The sun was beginning to peak above the horizon, the dark teal of the sky bending into a hopeful apricot yellow. Perhaps it was time for coffee.

He located the chalk and slipped it inside his pocket for safe-keeping before a curious Aubergine or Esteban could find it. Cecil's coffee collection was more dangerous than half of the substances Mark was allowed to detonate in the Lab and Carlos steered clear of his husband's aesthetic glass jars to flick on the coffee machine, reaching instead for the Flaky O's Decaf Coffee at the back. _Flaky O's Coffee - Yeah, We Do Coffee Too._ He measured a precise number of granules into his cup and rocked back and forth on his heels as he waited for the machine to stop hissing and give him a thumbs up to make his coffee.

_Daydreaming about Cecil a little now can't hurt_ , he reasoned. Within seconds, he was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the tell-tale _snick_ of the door opening, the swish of silk behind him. The shrill squeak of surprise he let out was muffled by the warm hand over his mouth. Carlos stumbled backwards into Cecil's chest, tense with shock.

'Shhh.' The honey-voiced man's breath was hot against Carlos' ear. He released Carlos' mouth to slip that same hand around his waist and hold him close from behind. Even with the thick cotton of his labcoat between them, Carlos could feel the press of his husband's erection. He bit his lip to hold his satisfied hum inside as the blood that had been supplying his brain with enough oxygen and glucose to make the Science happen suddenly rushed South.

He allowed Cecil to push him forwards until his hips were braced against the kitchen countertop. The hand that wasn't gripping Carlos' torso slipped down his side, curving inwards to grab at his ass as Cecil bent forwards to nip at the exposed skin of his neck. Carlos debated trying to turn around, just to be sure that he hadn't just fallen and hit his head. To be sure that this was really Cecil, really about to fuck him. He reached up behind him to grab Cecil by the neck, pulling that mouth closer to his cheek. Cecil's smirk was hot against his skin.

' _Oh._ ' Carlos gasped as Cecil, wasting no time, flipped up the bottom of his labcoat with a tiny growl, and lifted his right leg up until it rested on the counter, leaving Carlos spread open. Looking as vulnerable and craving as he felt.

'We have to be quiet.' Cecil whispered, fingers tickling up the newly exposed skin of Carlos' inner thigh. Carlos twisted to catch a messy kiss, holding Cecil's tongue between his teeth until the man's hands reached the aching bulge between his legs and he broke off with a gasp. Cecil tutted, leaving Carlos dangling in the shackles of his own need as he dropped his hand away from his cock and instead, pushed his fingers into Carlos' mouth. 'We _have_ to be quiet.' He repeated.

'Mhm.' Was all Carlos could get out around the intrusion in his mouth. He lapped at Cecil's fingers eagerly, wetting them and tasting himself as he did so. He nodded, hoping to convey to Cecil that he _wanted_ to be good and quiet. He wanted it _badly_.

'Kitten, you have to be quiet, even when I'm making you feel good.'

' _Yes.'_ Carlos hissed as the fingers were pulled free from his mouth and Cecil kissed the back of his head firmly.

He fell forwards as Cecil's newly slick fingers curled between his legs and caught his cock between two knuckles. The sensation sent the roiling ache in Carlos' centre spilling over the sides of the mental container he had desperately tried to hold it in and he suddenly felt hot all over. The angle was difficult, with his knee up on the counter, but he rocked himself backwards against Cecil's clever fingers, each thrust pushing Cecil's clothed erection more firmly against his ass. His breath was forming a mist on the marble counter as he bit down hard into his bottom lip to remind himself not to make a sound.

A tiny gasp escaped him as Cecil pushed a finger inside, sending a fresh wave of need sparking outwards from his groin. Carlos found a mercilessly stain-free patch of his lab coat sleeve and bit into it hard.

Cecil's mouth was at his ear again as another finger nudged in alongside the first one to stretch Carlos open even further.

'God, I want to fill you up so badly, honey baby.' He choked. Carlos nodded, hips jerking back into Cecil in a sinuous extension of his enthusiastic agreement. It was almost embarrassing how ready he was but a needy, whining part of him had been ready for this all week. He just needed Cecil to finally _do it_.

'Fuck.' Carlos breathed as the other man twisted to shimmy out of his boxers and the action caused his fingers to angle right into the sweet spot inside him. 'Fucking do it, baby.' He hissed at the uncomfortable emptiness that followed Cecil removing his fingers and let the sibilance crescendo as he was pulled up off the counter by his hair. Cecil's lips were pliant and gasping against his own, a delicious counterpoint to the hardness slipping between his ass cheeks. Carlos grabbed a fistful of Cecil's hair, pulling him impossibly closer. 'Please.' The word was almost lost under the rumble of the coffee machine. From the way that Cecil ground up against him with a quiet noise that was almost a sob, Carlos surmised that he had heard.

The breathless ache of anticipation as Carlos felt his radio host step back far enough to slick up his cock with spit. Then Cecil was back, a heavily tattooed arm wrapping around Carlos' chest to hold him in place, bending him forwards over the abandoned mug of coffee granules. Then, Cecil was pushing inside him, biting down into his shoulder through the thick fabric of his lab coat, and Carlos gripped the arm around his chest to stop himself from flopping forwards, weak with the beautiful agony of finally having Cecil inside him.

He hadn't even noticed he was making noise, a throaty _haaaah_ of breath, until Cecil chuckled and shushed him tenderly, setting up a slow repetition of deep thrusts that were simultaneously _too much_ and nowhere near enough. Sometimes, Carlos couldn't bear anything other than the most gentle touch; sometimes, he wanted to writhe and claw and bite until his love pinned him by the throat and fucked the fight out of him. It was a line Cecil had learned to walk intuitively. And he walked it so well.

'Ceec.' He whined, hoping the already panting man would catch on.

'You're so beautiful spread out for me like this.' Cecil promised. 'Gorgeous.'

The praise made Carlos shiver. He was about to open his mouth - to whisper something dangerous but nonetheless true: to tell Cecil that he was going to stop time for him.

The landline hooked onto the wall opposite them started to screech.

Cecil jerked forward in an unexpected thrust which made Carlos hiss and scrape his nails across the counter to find some grip. Cecil reached forwards to snatch the singing phone from the hook and then froze, deep inside an equally motionless scientist. They both stared slackly at the phone in Cecil's hand, unable to hear if the piercing ringtone had disturbed Esteban upstairs underneath the increasingly confused calls of 'Hello? _Hello-o?_ ' from the other end of the phone.

He saw Cecil's fist clench tight around the phone as he brought it to his ear.

'Hello? Cecil?' The voice on the phone demanded.

'Hello.' His husband answered quietly, affecting a perfect calm. Carlos silently brought Cecil's free hand to his lips, to press delicate kisses to each of his fingertips as a distraction from the shift of Cecil inside him. He could feel his own cock throbbing in time with the pounding of his heart, desperate for attention.

It sounded as if the person on the other end of the phone was a woman and Carlos' stomach hurtled towards his feet as he remembered Steve's warning. Cecil's hand curled into a frustrated claw inside his own. 'No!' Cecil whisper-shouted, his usually sonorous voice strained into an angry hush. ' _NO, SUSAN WILLMAN.'_ There was a curt protestation though the phone. 'Why? _Why?_ Because, if you _really must know_ , I'm having sex with my husband right now. _THAT'S WHY._ '

Cecil slapped the phone back on the stand with far more force than strictly necessary. Carlos barely had time to open his mouth to say something soothing before Cecil's hand twisted to cover his mouth, pulling him upwards to growl: 'Yes?'

'Uhuh.' Carlos moaned against Cecil's palm as the man gave an experimental thrust, mind unravelling with a textbook of threats if Cecil dared to stop.

He was pushed roughly forwards, catching himself on his elbows before his glasses clacked loudly against the waiting coffee cup below. Cecil's patience had clearly been hanging by a single strand of spider's silk, single strand which had finally snapped.

'Oh. _Fuck_.' Carlos cursed into Cecil's hand as he thrusted perfectly into the spot that made pleasured bursts of colour dance behind Carlos' eyelids like those lights which still hung above the Arby's. There was a real desperation to the act now, and Carlos felt tears spring to his eyes as he took in the huffed declarations of love against the sweat at the back of his neck, the clumsy fumble of Cecil's hand as it began to stroke his cock. He thought of his scrawled equation, of the hastily added number 2, meant to represent the pair of them in this dizzying moment exactly. Carlos reached upwards to dig his fingers into the muscle of Cecil's bicep. Opened his mouth in a silent scream. And came.

The noise Cecil made as he clenched tight around him was low and ungodly. He ground out Carlos' name through his teeth, fucking him through the heights of an orgasm that seemed as though it would never end. Carlos strained forwards to kiss Cecil's palm, over and over between slack-jawed gasps as shocks of pleasure continued to wrack through his pelvis, intense enough to make him see white even with his eyes squeezed firmly shut.

'Baby, I'm going to -' Was all Cecil could whisper before Carlos felt him pulsing inside, a sudden wetness spilling into him before Cecil slumped forwards, panting and heavy and wonderful. 'I love you.' Cecil whispered, rocking forwards gently with a groan.

'I love you so much.' Carlos whispered back and gave his husband's arm a gentle squeeze. He could feel himself continuing to twitch around Cecil's dick, even as he began to slowly pull out. It was a loss he didn't quite feel ready for and he resented the anxiety that threatened his post-coital euphoria, the uncertainty around when they were next going to be able to do this. 'God, that was so fucking good.' Cecil whistled and helped lift Carlos' leg from the countertop. He allowed himself to be spun around into the most tender of embraces and swallowed thickly as he looked up at Cecil's face and saw the adoration he had pictured there earlier, albeit with pinker cheeks and slightly unfocused eyes. Cecil giggled. 'You've got chalk all over your forehead.'

'Oh, hah.' Carlos wiped at it lazily until Cecil linked their fingers together and drew him in for a kiss that said more than even he would be able to put into words. He smiled wonkily as he pulled back, tiny crows' feet either side of his beautiful lavender eyes.

'You're not finished, are you?' Cecil laughed a rumbling laugh at the guilty look he received in response. Carlos could feel his heart rate pick up again, pounding as though it were right in his throat, as his husband tutted playfully. 'Well,' He dipped his head to kiss Carlos' lips, his neck, 'We can't have that.'

'Ceec?' Carlos breathed as Cecil made light work of the poppers fastening up his lab coat, placing soft kisses on the caramel skin he revealed as he made his way slowly to his knees.

'Shhh, bunny.'

At the first swipe of Cecil's tongue against his still-pulsing cock, Carlos nearly ended up on the floor with him. He gripped the countertop with one hand and stuffed the other fist into his mouth to muffle the sound of Cecil's name. In a way, he felt as though he was yet to properly come down from the first orgasm, and the wet smacks of Cecil's lips were sending him floating off into the void.

Cecil looked so _good_ like this, a glimmer of sadistic amusement in his eyes as he looked up at Carlos and hollowed out his cheeks. He could feel Cecil's come starting to slip out of him and bit back a moan at the blissful look on Cecil's face as he lapped it away. Cecil somehow managed to both suck and flick the tip of his tongue against the sensitive head of Carlos' cock at the same time, necessitating Carlos to let go of the counter and wind his fingers into Cecil's hair to trap him in that perfect place. Sometimes, chasing a second orgasm took patience and dedication. Sometimes -

Cecil hummed appreciatively as Carlos bucked forwards against his tongue. He could feel it building already, too far gone to give Cecil much more of a warning than a sharp tug on his hair and then he was coming and coming and, _fuck_ , for a long second, it felt as though time itself stood still.

****

Cecil glanced up from the toddler on the sofa next to him as he heard Carlos pad into the room, bringing with him the tangerine and cake-batter smell of their shower gel as he circled the sofa and plopped down on Esteban's other side.

'Daddy!' Esteban squealed in delight and Cecil rejoiced at the Scientist's amused giggle as he made the sock puppets on his hands shout the same. Esteban had insisted on the alligator (he liked it when Cecil pretended to bite off his toes) for his left hand and the Romanian Heiress puppet for his right. Cecil had a feeling where the morning was going to end up.

'Hello, little tortoise.' Carlos kissed the top of Esteban's head. 'Hello, big tortoise.' The toddler giggled as his fathers leaned over the top of him to meet in the middle for a brief peck.

'How are you feeling?' Cecil enquired innocently. Carlos' lips twitched.

'Better.' He said. He glanced down at Esteban, whose little hands were trying to sneak into his pockets to steal the secret Science equipment from his Sunday-Best Lab Coat. 'Over a week is too long.' He murmured, surreptitiously replacing the test tube in Esteban's hands for a much safer plastic magnifying glass before the toddler even knew what he was holding.

'Way too long.' Cecil agreed and Esteban squealed happily as he inspected the Heiress' numerous googly eyes through the zoomed in lens. Carlos' beam looked even more perfect through Cecil's own lenses of post-coital bliss. 'Let's never leave it more than a week again, okay?'

'Oh, sure. But . . .'

'I didn't rub out your equation.' Cecil grinned, 'Just in case.'

'Just in case.' The scientist nodded solemnly. Then, he smiled again and the many armed beast of love in Cecil's stomach thrashed around in delight. 'Want me to be the Heiress? I can do a _dead-on_ Romanian accent.'

'Sure, honey. _Sure_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carlos eventually checked his phone and realised he had ten (10) missed calls from nilanjana. he had to explain that everything was fine now, actually [embarrassed scientist emoji]. they didn't speak of it again.  
> the next PTA meeting was noticeably quiet, mostly because susan willman and cecil palmer were pretending the other didn't exist. everyone agreed it was for the best. cecil, in particular, seemed much happier. 
> 
> thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! this actually ended up a _lot_ longer than I initially intended but, hey, more cecilos > less cecilos. 
> 
> [@writevale](https://writevale.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this so far! stay tuned for pt 2  
> as an aside, I want abby and nilanjana to meet at a party and chat shit about their fave boys. I think that would be a rewarding experience for us all
> 
> [@writevale](https://writevale.tumblr.com/)


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